signs a friend envies you, and how to deal with them

a good friend isn’t a jealous one

among the seven deadly sins, envy stands out to me as the scariest, because it often comes from those who are close to us — friends who harbor secret hostility, or who turns into enemies. i have encountered my fair share of envious people: people who envied me, and observed others consumed with envy towards their friends. below, i’ve outlined indicators of an envious friend, although many of these traits are also characteristic of narcissists and toxic individuals.

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1. they brag. when a friend always end up talking your ear off about themselves, or whatever it is that they think is cool, their intentions for doing this becomes obvious. bragging, exaggerating stories, and bringing up an idea that they are somewhat better than you, is their way of selling the idea that they are cool. they do these because they do not like to admit that they see you are doing better than them. sometimes, inferiority complex surfaces this way. true friends do not behave this way just to come across that they are doing well on their own.
   how to handle: do not fake interest in what they are saying, or question the logic of their exaggerated stories. most of the time, they are just carried away with advertising themselves for their own ego boost anyway.
2. they copy you. when a ‘friend’ is suddenly acting or talking about a trait that you are known for, they want the positive attention you are getting so they steal the way you look, your ideas, quirks, or even friends. it starts small that it can easily be shrugged off the first time. when you mention an interest in something, the next thing you know, they will start a conversation about it, and act as if it was their own idea in the first place. they also get obssessed with trying to look like you by imitating the way you dress, or how much you weigh. it gets creepier as they approach friends of yours, and act as if they have been there for them before. they secretly want to be you.
   how to handle:
   tell them you notice that they are copying you, and point things out. narcissists hate when they are being exposed like this.
3. they don’t react well to other people’s/your success. riddle me this: who in their right mind gets furious when they see someone else achieve what they worked hard for? jealous people are like this because they want what you have, while you don’t want what they have.
   how to handle: ask them why they are reacting negatively about something people celebrate. this makes them look crazy, and they will recoil.
4. they don’t talk nicely behind people they call friends. backstabbers, in short. when a person berates someone they call their ‘friend’ who isn’t around, they never considered that person their friend in the first place. they just stick around with their supposed friend because they secretly want to be them, or are using them in some way.
   how to handle: ask them if the person they are talking about has ever done something bad to them to make them talk that way. they will drop their bad behavior in front of you immediately.
5. they downplay your wins. passive-aggressive losers. since they cannot become openly mad when you’re happy, they look for things that justify your success in their head. they make snide comments, and backhanded compliments to make themselves feel better. they do this because you are living the life they want.
   how to handle: give them a taste of their own medicine. show them what you think about them when you comment about something they care about or identify with. they can’t confront you because it was not said directly towards them, and they can’t defend themselves because it will show that they were hurt.
6. they weaponize their kindness. “after all that i did for you,” is a narcissist’s favorite guilt-tripping line when things don’t go their way. they hold the good things they did over someone’s head.
   how to handle: challenge their idea of this kind of ‘leverage.’ narcissists hate it when it makes them look like they are not a good person or they don’t have good intentions, especially in public. if you’re on amicable terms with a narcissist, give them a hint that you see through them. say that you do not want to accept anything from them because you see them being entitled to it with other people. if it can’t be helped, make sure to “repay” them, and get even.

things might still be repairable with your relationship with these jealous friends, but ask yourself if keeping it and walking on eggshells is worth it. There are still so many people you haven’t met that will be important in your life. if you can keep a toxic relationship, imagine how you’ll be in a healthy one. choose well.